On March 28 Claire Smith came to Algonquin College to speak about her book Falling Into Now.  I know who Claire Smith is because about 25 years ago I rode faithful school horse Fred in a cross-country jumping clinic at Hawkridge Farm and Claire was the teacher.  Poor Fred stumbled while jumping into the water obstacle and I took a brief swim.  Very humbling, and I'm sure Claire felt she had better things to do at that moment. Anyway, Claire's story of how she has sculpted her life really struck a chord with me.  She write of her journey from living in the goal-oriented 'Next' mode to recognizing the 'Now'.  She explores recovery, identity, the narrative we choose to carry around with us.  Her story helped me to realize that I've been putting a ton of pressure on myself, and I simply don't need to.  How freeing that idea could be.

We took a 2 week holiday and covered the continent from Cancun, Mexico to Elk Lake, Ontario.  I read a small pile of books: The Pisces, My Year of Rest and Relaxation (both relatable stories of women who emerge after grappling with depression), The Revenant (I adored the way the movie used authentic landscape and weather, and I appreciated the novel's version of the story), No Country For Old Men (that movie grabbed my attention: the chased man who turns to attack his assassin, Tommie Lee Jones on a horse, an introduction to the work of Cormac McCarthy).  

We visited my Mom and she'd hung one of my paintings that I hadn't seen in a long time: A porcupine eating an apple.  These days I love to put colour on my face and it's just another kind of art to me.

Lisa, I live!

January 2019 brought the first anniversary of Dad's death.  I relived every day of the two weeks prior, from his first day in the hospital until the end.  It feels like my memory has saved every detail.  We all march on.

With the promise of a new job that will give me more time outside and in the stable, I climbed aboard the horses a few times.  Ehren happily toured the property with me and we looked into the snowy forest together, but Ludi did what he does best: demands ALL of my attention so that I am pulled into the present moment.

What begins with hope for a quick ride, just to stretch the horse and confirm that I still have some muscle tone and skill, deteriorates into feeling a stir-crazy horse underneath me that is too excited to concentrate at all.  I get off and let him burn the energy off on the longe line and a large circle.  "Never fight the oats" as the wise old horsemen say, which means you cannot force a horse's high energy to submit to your will.  The horse will dictate your agenda, and you must be smart enough to adapt.  There is plenty of time for a great ride, just not today!

On December 1 I had my eyes lasered so that I could donate the glasses I'd worn for the last decade or so.  Riding in the rain with them, dealing with the clip-on sunglasses, lenses that steamed up cold weather, I would be free from all of that!  The procedure and recovery were more uncomfortable than I expected, but it has been a great change.

John and I jet-setted to Toronto for a night to check out the Ripley's Aquarium, which had been on my to-do list for a while.  

I also had a sit-down with my boss and said that I needed a change.  This year had taken more from me than it had given, I felt, and I wanted to get back to my life.  Her response was supportive and we put a plan in place.  

I didn't write this entry in November of 2018.  I have struggled for the last year to string together monthly posts as I have done in the past.  It's actually May 1 2019 today.  The land has reawakened with sunshine and birdsong.  

In November we buried my father.  It was a day I had dreaded since he died.  It was a final task if there ever was one.  I looked out at my family gathered, many of us weeping, and I squinted at the sun in my eyes.  I felt the warmth on my face.  When my father was sick it was grey every day and I recall the autumn was much the same.  It struck me on that chilly November morning that if he was ever going to be close to me again, it could be in that moment, surrounded by his family, in the quiet country cemetery already lined with our ancestors.  I remembered going there with him many years ago after his father died.  

I managed to put a smile on my face at the luncheon afterwards, and drove home alone.  I decided this day would be my 'line in the sand' as a coworker was fond of saying.  I could move forward from all the awful limbo of the hospital and estate administration.  I could look at that day with appreciation and see about getting back to my life.  I got on the treadmill when I was home and put my mind and body in motion.

I scrolled through this year's posts, and it felt like just yesterday when we were trudging through the snow.  Last spring I sold some horsey items that weren't getting used any more, and I met some new folks.  One lady lives nearby who wanted to get some lessons with her green horse.  Neither one of us can believe that was almost 6 months ago!  How did we all get so busy?  I went to her place and met her Kiger mustang yesterday.  I was blown away by how far she has brought him along, apparently from being 10 year old described as 'explosive' to a mild mannered, respectful guy, now 15.  They are still working on the basic walk-trot-canter together, which I am happy to help with, but this woman had clearly built the right foundation of trust with her horse.  I could see it all over his face, and I expressed my admiration.  Add to it that when she got him, they had just bought their farm!  I know all about the long hours that go into setting up your place, let alone getting time to develop your horses.  

There are times when this year feels like such a write-off, but there are also times when life brings in new opportunities, moments when one year doesn't feel like that long at all, and for that I am grateful.  

October 20-21 was Ladies Weekend.  Tess, Cat, Yvette and I planned a fabulous outing in St. Lazare, Quebec.  There is a network of riding trails that you can buy a trail pass for.  Every second property in the community is a horse farm, and we rented an empty house for ourselves.  

^ this is a two-minute film of Ehren and I walking through the gorgeous, luminous, autumn maple forest near St. Lazare.  My kind of ASMR!

Yesterday was Ehren's first hunt.  I tried to make us look the part, and he wore his best smile.  It was a fabulous day with such friendly people, great footing, and plenty of good gallops.  It felt right to try a few easy jumps, and Ehren was so game I could have cried.  I have a vacation week coming up, and I promptly committed to be at the next 2 outings!

Last weekend I went to look at a horse for sale with my best friend.  She wants to be able to pop her horse in the trailer and go anywhere she wants for a fun, safe ride.  I want that for her, too, so that we can have some fun together!  

I watched the mare's soft eye in the cross ties, her calm nature despite being in a busy lesson barn during feeding time.  She puttered under saddle and when I climbed on and flopped around with loose reins, she tuned out and moseyed along the rail.  I encouraged my friend to ride out in the field for a trot around, and she was all smiles coming back.  We watched the horse load herself into the farm owner's trailer, and enjoy a cool shower from the hose.  We went for lunch and role-played on how to best seal the deal.  The basic suitability was there, and my friend is bringing her home while making all kinds of fall riding plans.

Tomorrow I take Ehren to the fox hunt for the first time.  While I'm a dressage queen who loves a ribbon, I accept that he's just not suitable for that.  He's such a nice guy that I am very willing to find out what he's really good at, and explore it with him.  I'll let you know how it goes.

It was a long hot ride at the Hunt Club for Belle, Ehren, John and me on July 8.

Today it's cool and there's promise of a good rain soon to quench the parched land.  We've lined up our hay supply for the year, and welcomed a new boarder's young horse.  

I read Viktor Frankl's 'Man's Search For Meaning', Susan David's 'Emotional Agility', and finished Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now'.  I'm still mulling over the messages from these very good books, and trying my best to apply them every day.

In the barn, at work, and in life, I see so many people not interested in taking advice, let alone seeking it out to help themselves.  So many factors pull us in every direction every day.  It's a real effort for me to stay on my path, and I wonder how other people do it for themselves.  I've read some disappointing stories about my own equestrian heroes, and wonder if we can all accept that good advice can come from someone who's done bad things, and also how to recognize bad advice when it comes from someone who's trying to be good.  For me, the 'common themes' idea holds pretty well.  If I've heard an idea somewhere before, if I've seen it applied in positive ways, and I can see how it could work for me and my own values, then it's probably good advice worth taking.