A Small Setback

An accurate illustration by Norman Thelwell, just add helmet.

My wonderful young Super Dandy bounded joyfully while we cantered together in the sunny green field.  I got launched and my collarbone shattered.  I chose to have surgery for a faster and more certain healing time, and so have had several weeks of rest to consider these ideas in broad strokes and also in the tiny details of our minds and lives:

Where does safety end and risk begin? Comfort and pain?  Strength and weakness?  Independence and disability?  Boredom and rest?

I had more pain after the surgery than after the fall but it was much faster for me to start feeling better.  I knew an amazing corner in healing had been turned when I saw my own left hand start to reach out, with confidence, all on its own.  I felt the change from a body accommodating the disability to discovering its new capability.  I visualized the pieces of bone sending threads out to reach eachother again (a physiological fact).  The elegant miracle of a body regenerating with hardly more than a little easy movement, rest on a pile of pillows, ice and good food.  

This is surprisingly difficult when you are a stoic person.

I experienced every number on The Scale.  Pain would walk into the room and stick a hot brand on my chest, then fade away to quiet again.  I counted out so many hours and pills, but refused to count the days.  I carefully found balance on my Bosu ball and gently walked on the treadmill.  Winston Churchill said 'When you are walking through hell, walk faster."  I tried to notice when the feelings were creating the thoughts, and when the thoughts were creating the feelings, but still the emotional fragility would catch me off guard.  I realized the confinement and 'safety' of wearing a sling for hours would often cause low grade panic and despair.  

We'd planned our annual fishing trip to Camp Esnagi (The Northern Way) months ago, and although the timeline was tight, I knew it would be a beautiful place to rest for a week in the sunshine and clean air by the fresh water.  I balanced in the boat to regain faith in my core.  I let the water move me without tension.  I let the wisdom of my subconscious silence the fears of my conscious mind.

I have so much gratitude for those who kept checking in on me and who cared for my horses while I was stuck in the house.  And now finally, while I've already told him, with tears streaming down my face, I'm telling the world about how my husband took such excellent care of me.  A real partner if there ever was one, that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to live up to.